Summer Doldrums

A long while ago, I posted back in June. And now I'm posting in September. Yup. Long time. I'm not entirely sure if I want to make apologies, but maybe an explanation would suffice. I started off my summer with high expectations of writing regularly, but as I've been finding over the last year and a half, my muse has escaped me.

My summer job was overnights at a grouphome for teens in the child welfare system. It was right up my alley in terms of the work I've done there before (as a relief staff), and in general. I have a passion for working with youth, and it's something that hasn't changed since I resolved to be a camp counselor when I was 12.

However, working a overnight job has some attributes worth mentioning: one in particular: It sucks the soul out of you. You want to distract yourself as much as you can to A) stay awake B) do something with the large amount of disposable time you have to yourself. I barely lifted a finger to write during the whole summer. Earlier this year, I got back into World of Warcraft which solved both A and B for me tidily. I brought my laptop to work and WoW'd it up. Playing that game the way I did took a lot of creative energy out of me. Rather, instead of drawing from that pool, it just replaced it.

The summer was just something to get through to get to the here and now. It was a time to pass by, in eager expectation of the fall. I did my recovery work, showed up at the right places and the right times, but my heart was here, waiting for what I am doing now.

There's a cafe on the top floor of the MacEwan Student Centre at the UoC, it's called The Loft. It's packed cheek and jowl with chairs and tables, and correspondingly with students. It has sweet natural lighting. One can people watch. And of course, coffee... my ambrosia. I write this as I listen to Massive Attack on my headphones.

It's my third full year of university, my second year of science. My degree is complicated to explain, but suffice to say, I'm taking biology. Being second year means I face the great beast that is organic chemistry. In the position I am now, in terms of my grades and my goals, this year is my do or die year. I either finish this year with a GPA of 3.5 or greater, or I'm gonna have to do some serious reevaluating. Which means I need to do good on Organic Chem. Which means a A- or better. Which means that I gotta kick everyone else's ass in class and be in the top 5th percentile, because Organic Chem is that stupid Hard.

But I'm loving it. Most of it. I'm actually working on my life. I'm not placeholding, or playing to another person's tune. I'm not letting life pass me by. There's a thing in the pit of my stomach holding me together; a sense of agency.